Don't just give the customer a turd in a bag. Giving them a bag means they might be able to pick it up without getting shit all everywhere. Instead, give the customer a turd on a tissue. Never premium tissue either, the cheapest, thinnest tissue you can find. Even if they try to pick it up at the edges, it will still rip and fall. The tissue provides just the slightest hope that maybe the disaster will be contained. But we already know it won't work out.

Now some of you have gone so far as to save up shit for days, packing barrels full of sewage, bringing them to the job site, and smearing it into the carpets and on the walls. This is going too far because malice implies effort and we don't put effort into anything we do. Make it like the act of an incompetent person, borderline retarded even. You want to make the person who finds your turd on a tissue ask themselves: maybe this idiot just couldn't find the bathroom.

Remember, feeling sorry for us is what keeps our customers coming back. We're guessing. It certainly isn't the quality of our work.