1. Purchase monumental amounts of crack. On credit, I guess, since you haven't struck it rich yet¹⁾.
2. Start smoking that crack now if you haven't already started years ago.
3. Find all the garbage you own/found/stole and list that shit on eBay!
4. You might think to yourself: what is this garbage actually worth? If this happens, poke an ice pick directly into your skull and swirl it around a bit until such thoughts vanish.²⁾
5. Now that that's out of the way, it's time to start naming your price and let the money flow in!

Make sure the following are listed well above the Amazon retail price for a brand new replacement:

• Used items in extremely poor condition. Be sure to charge an exorbitant price for shipping too!
• Items that are broken and not working. Be sure to mislabel them as “New”!

Other tips:

• Never ever look at what a similar item is selling for on eBay. Just assume you're the only retail option on earth and rest assured that you have this market cornered!
• Wantonly obsolete hardware is always in demand by collectors such as yourself. Make sure it's priced competitively with brand new hardware, because it's vintage and totally worth it. Never bother testing anything and be sure to charge a premium for budget shipping.
• Don't bother including any proprietary power adapters you lost while on your last crack binge. The customer won't need them, obviously. Don't bother mentioning that it's not included, because all eBay users can read minds.³⁾
• Never ship anything to Alaska or Hawaii, even if it can be sent by first class mail. This is just a solid policy to have with all foreign countries.
• Everything is RARE and OOP. Include those words in every title!
• If a DVD/Blu Ray box set is missing a disc, it's worth everyone's time to list this item. Be sure to mention this fact only at the end of an otherwise detailed item description. You did make sure that it's listed at a price above all similar complete sets in better condition, didn't you?
• On that note, be sure any disc you sell, regardless of format, has been used as a coaster or to level a table for years before scouring it with steel wool just before listing it⁴⁾. Missing cases, artwork, and inserts only add to the charm of your unique items.
• It's perfectly reasonable to list your phone for sale if it has been run over by a tank or sucked through the intake of a jet engine. If even one button seems operable, it's safe to list it as “Used”
• When listing a phone, be sure to have severe tremors when taking pictures of it to cover up the many scratches it has on every conceivable surface. Make sure the background is black and the room lit only by ancient oil lamps many miles away.⁵⁾
• It's not entirely clear how, but the combination of phone charger and phone manual can be turned into the most-efficient crack pipe ever made. This is why you should keep these for yourself and not include them in the sale of any phone.

• Anything you place inside a padded mailer is sure to arrive unharmed without any additional packaging. Padded mailers are stronger than steel. Why don't they build airplanes and spacecraft out of these??
• Cardboard, bubble wrap, and wadded up paper are the most valuable commodities on the planet, controlled by an all-powerful cabal, and completely inaccessible to common people. Thankfully you can just wad up free postal service mailers to use as padding! Make sure they're ruined so the person receiving the package can't even reuse them!⁶⁾

• Fuck that. Fucking pull that mother fucker right out of the wall and FUCKING THROW IT IN THE FUCKING TOILET. JUST KEEP KICKING IT AND FLUSHING UNTIL THAT COCKSUCKING MOTHERFUCKER IS REDUCED TO MOTHERFUCKING SHRAPNEL AND IT'S IN THE FUCKING SEWER! FUCK THIS! This shit is supposed to save me TIME? OH REALLY? YES, here we are in the 21ST MOTHERFUCKING CENTURY and NOT A SINGLE FUCKING THING WORKS ANYMORE. FUCK EVERYTHING. FUCK NO. I'M SO DONE WITH THIS SHIT! IT WOULD BE EASIER TO WRITE THE LABEL by fucking HAND IN MY OWN BLOOD on LEOPARD SKIN FROM A leopard I hunted and KILLED with my bare HANDS than to configure this piece of SHIT to FUCKING WORK RIGHT. And how the FUCK IS IT THAT EVERY PIECE OF ADVICE ONLINE IS WRONG? EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM IS WILDLY DIFFERENT. OH, and somehow, SOMEHOW NO ONE ON EARTH IS HAVING THE SAME FUCKING PROBLEM I AM@!*$^!%^! FUCK!$&^!!!!!

• What other buyers want to see the most in PRODUCT reviews are your experiences with a particular seller, completely devoid of any information about the PRODUCT. You, like all others that write PRODUCT reviews on eBay are apparently packing material fetishists who just order things for the boxes and mailers after getting banned from Office Depot for jerking off in the store.