In America, a manual transmission is practically an anti-theft device. This is no joke. People don't have to learn how to drive stick for the test. Some models of cars don't have the option for manual at all. Sometimes you have to pay more for a package that upgrades you to a manual transmission. Europeans find this funny and they're allowed to. I prefer manual, but I prefer a number of disgusting things that no one else likes, so I try not to judge the automatic-folk's filthy, fuel-wasting, spongy-feeling shit choices. For real fun, watch American confusion at foreign car rental counters… several minutes' worth of entertainment there…

In this country, we'd all be better off with stick because it keeps your gun hand occupied…

Clearly you're not. You're in the lane that will be exiting from this freeway to merge onto another one, but not me, because I'm a genius. I'm in a lane that's going through, even though I want to be in your lane. Those signs back there that said “I-405 SOUTH, RIGHT TWO LANES” many miles ago, those are for idiots, but not me, because I'm a genius. You see, I have it all figured out. I'm going to drive like I'm passing through, but instead, and WAIT, watch this, hold up, this will blow your mind because it's my personal secret: I'm going to go up to the very last second I could possibly merge into your lane, the one you got into like a fucking SUCKER two miles back, and I'm going to brake hard, holding up all the traffic behind me in the previously flowing lanes of the freeway, and insist that I be allowed into your lane, which is packed tight and crawling. I will force my way into that lane with no regard for my safety, yours, or anyone else's for that matter. THIS IS HOW A GENIUS DOES IT. That's only the beginning of my genius driving tips!

Take something as simple as merging onto the freeway. Only a STUPID MORON LIKE YOU would wait for the car ahead of you to merge onto the freeway before you changed lanes. Not me, because I'm a genius. If the car ahead of me is going any slower than the speed of sound, I make sure to pass it on the on-ramp and get directly into the lane they're going to try to merge into. There's nowhere else for me to go here, certainly not even one lane over. I then make it a point to go exactly as fast as that car is going, sometimes forcing them into the breakdown lane or worse. OH, you don't understand why I do this, you pathetic weak-minded fool? It's because only a genius like me would ever understand!

When I'm driving my work truck around when my other car is in the shop for extensive body damage due to its latest high speed collision (usually the result of some IDIOT like you, not me, because I'm a genius), I don't see much reason to secure my aluminum ladder in place with anything more than a clothespin. At most. Or my huge water container. Or those dozens of buckets, hoses, and assorted tools I'll need to do genius stuff with later. Wasting even a second glancing to see if the things in the back of my truck are stowed properly is something only idiots would do. Not me though, because I'm a genius.

Now I'm certain, because I'm a genius, that I was not at fault when I plowed into the rear of that minivan at 75 miles per hour, killing that family of four. In fact, I'm sure my lawyer agrees. He's always telling me not to talk to the judge that way, probably because the judge isn't as smart as I am and I'm blowing his mind with my pure genius. But anyway, while I wait to be totally cleared of any wrong-doing and get my license back in the sentencing phase of my trial, I've found myself on foot and using public transit. I'm not sure why, but the bus doesn't ever seem to wait for me, even though I'm only running slightly behind schedule. And then, probably because those STUPID MORONS can't count higher than six, they won't break my $100 bill. So I find myself walking a lot lately.

When a MORON crosses the street, he crosses the street in the shortest way possible. That's not looking at the big picture like a genius does. When I cross the street, I cross it the way that reduces the greatest distance between me and my destination. If that means I am crossing the street the long way, that's OK. Disregard the people honking at you. Pedestrians have the right of way! I wear black, because it's slimming. I wear it all the time, especially when crossing busy roads at night wherever is most convenient for me. That's a free fashion tip you get too, idiot.