I wish I had a huge penis. Like dragging-along-the-ground enormous. It's just six feet long and dripping with a constant stream of pre-cum. Clearly, I just don't give a fuck and don't even bother trying to cover it anymore because it's too big to hide. It's a fucking tumor of a penis...

I wish it had a disembodied voice that said stuff like "You must kill them. You must kill them all, for they are heretics!" Clearly I can hear this voice and clearly it's speaking to me, but also everyone else can hear it. In every conversation I have, it just gets louder and louder: "NO, YOU MUST NOT LISTEN TO THE HERETIC; YOU MUST TAKE HIS LIFE!"... and I'm like talking to an insurance agent...