Americans generally don't know who the Prime Minister of Canada is. The safe bet is Trudeau, because that has been true a couple of times. I do remember a Harper, but I do remember that it changed, so I reverted back to the default answer: Trudeau. It's only a happy coincidence that it's true at the moment…

To be fair, I'd bet that the average Frenchman doesn't know the answer either and they are Canada's second-closest neighbor.¹⁾

You're going to find plenty of people here who don't understand that Ireland consists of the Republic and Northern Ireland. They often think it's either entirely its own country or that it's still part of the UK. You'll also find that some people can't determine the difference between Scotland and Ireland and/or Scotland and England. They've never heard of Wales. Exactly no one understands how the Isle of Man works, myself and many British people included. You try to figure it out, smart guy.

We don't have fancy talking toilets. Well, we're finally getting fancy talking toilets, but we're about 25 years behind Japan on that one. Basically, Americans are big, reckless, and stupid when it comes to appliances. Part of the reason nearly every household comes with a huge washer is because we have space for it, but also because you can be assured the first thing an American will do with a washing machine is stuff two quilts and a couple pairs of shoes into it. Foreign furniture and appliances are lightweight compared to domestic models. They're acceptable there because the people can be trusted to use common sense. That is not the case here…

Nearly every house, even most apartments, have a tumble dryer. A detached house will typically have a huge one, an apartment will have a slightly smaller one, but either way, we have space for two laundry appliances. Hell, we generally have an entire laundry room. This is our country's greatest selling point, if you ask me. You'll understand why people want to stay after you've grown accustomed to having a tumble dryer in your house.

These washer/dryer combos that Europeans use are pathetic by comparison. It takes approximately two lifetimes to get a few of your clothes steamy and damp. Then there are those that just put their clothes outside to dry. Savage. Just savage.

Oh, America has public healthcare. For the elderly and chronically ill only. If you're wondering why we don't have a public healthcare system for everyone else, I've already answered the question: so that insurance company executives can become fabulously wealthy taking money from young and healthy people for services they're unlikely to use. The system is self-perpetuating. If you don't pay for insurance and have even one minor health problem ever, you run a good chance of going bankrupt, no matter who you are. We're still talking about America here. Supposedly a first world country. I know, you may have thought I was talking about Brazil there for a second. If your name isn't preceded by the title “Sultan” and you're unaware of sports car finishes other than “gold plated”, chances are you can't afford the out-of-pocket price for any single surgery in America. If you can't afford insurance, the best plan available (and this is solid advice, attested to by professionals, I'm actually serious here): leave your ID at home, visit the emergency room, and don't give them your real name/address. Preferably at a hospital the town over. That's how many of our poor/working poor get treatment here. Reminder: we're talking about America here, not Brazil. Supposedly a first-world country. I know. It's really confusing.

The worst part of all of this is that Americans have the nerve to act like this is somehow superior to national healthcare systems. It isn't. There is no single bureaucracy more massively inefficient and bad at its job than America's private healthcare system. The government couldn't possibly do a worse job. And you'll get people that will snort at that and bet otherwise, but they've probably never experienced any interaction with it. Any single visit to any single doctor will result in reams of paper generated. You'll receive notices that you're about to receive bills, actual bills, letters telling you that the bills you've just received are in error, corrected bills, letters from your insurance company saying that those bills are paid, letters from the doctor saying that the insurance company didn't pay the bill, corrected letters from the insurance company saying that they're not going to the pay the bill, corrected letters from the doctor saying that you did pay the bill with an attached check for $0.48, and the cycle repeats for like three years. I have had some bad run-ins with the IRS, but none have been as aggravating as every single time I attempt to acquire the healthcare I paid for in America. And then Americans and the world wonder why our system sucks at preventative health… I don't know, dying of cancer might be better than having to put up with the bureaucracy…

Another thing that Americans will trot out as superior about our system is “choice.” Yes, we can choose our own doctors. This is some of the hottest bullshit ever. Oh, you can choose your doctors, but only from a list provided by your insurance company. The shittier the insurance, the fewer doctors that will accept it. I don't have the shittiest insurance, but I don't have the very best, and despite my best efforts, I can't get the title of Sultan, so I had a fair number of choices, but not all the choices. Hell, if I were a Sultan, I suppose I'd just internationally abduct a doctor for myself and my harem… anyway, after calling like seven, finding out that none of them were taking new patients, I finally found one that was. I have never seen or met this doctor. Ever. I couldn't tell you a single thing about this person. I mean, I put this person's name on forms. I think it's a guy. I mean, I think. I don't actually know. Oh, I've met the “nurse practitioner.” Or a series of such people. But I've never actually had any contact with my supposed doctor. I mean, that also means I'm healthy enough to not see a doctor, so I guess in a way, I'm not complaining, but I don't see this is supposed to be a selling point. It's the same deal in socialized medicine already. I couldn't see a doctor of my choice without barging into the place with a gun… which also happens in this country, and I guess also explained why it can happen. Well, now you know…

Thanks to our healthcare system being a bureaucratic nightmare, people here only drag themselves to the doctor when blood is pouring out of every orifice under high pressure. As a result, a lot of cancers are caught very late here, so we're good at fantastically expensive cancer treatments. Once again, efficient as fuck.

There used to be a time that people got cancer, suffered through cancer, and died. Things have changed. People now get cancer and then they have cancer forever.

I mean, it's an improvement over death, I guess.

This is the only thing our healthcare system is actually good at. You have to give it credit for that.