Context: this was taking place while the Israelites were camped out a the foot of Mount Sinai

(9) Then Moses and Aaron, Nadab and Abiu, and seventy of the ancients of Israel went up: (10) And they saw the God of Israel: and under his feet as it were a work of sapphire stone, and as the heaven, when clear. (11) Neither did he lay his hand upon those of the children of Israel, that retired afar off, and they saw God, and they did eat and drink.

So let's ignore a few things that you may have learned about the nature of God in general and examine what exactly is happening here. Let's also ignore that Exodus is entirely fiction. Let's take what we've just read and analyze it a bit.

So these people go with Moses and Aaron up the hill and there they see God. He's just there. What is doing, exactly? The only detail we get is under his feet as it were a work of sapphire stone, and as the heaven, when clear. Does this tell us that there's something supernatural about the ground beneath God's feet? Does God just bring his portable dance floor from heaven? Furthermore, whatever else is said, it's implied that God has feet.²⁾ Can they see only feet? We're not told what he was wearing if anything, or what he looked like, but he (or at least his feet) can apparently be seen, as in fit into the scope of vision of a human being, or make himself appear to do so. Basically, God is either not especially large, or can change his shape at will? God did not lay his hand upon those of those of the children of Israel, that retired afar off, so did he lay his hands on those that got close or? Did he just not lay his lands on any of them? Were the ones retired afar off frightened of him or where they afar off for other reasons? Regardless, everyone involved saw God, and they did eat and drink. So they had a dinner party with God.

I want a lot more details here. Was God just looming over this dinner party? Did he say anything while it was happening? Did he eat or drink with the elders? Did no one think to ask him some vital questions, you know, like why are all of our children dying constantly? God could have helped out here with the recipe for soap and telling those ancient savages to wash their hands regularly and cook their food thoroughly… Did anything like this actually happen and form the basis for this story? If based on real events, was “God” here just some dude in a costume?

Later on in Exodus (33:20), it says:

And again he said: Thou canst not see my face: for man shall not see me and live.

So God's mind or form apparently changed. That showing himself to the elders thing that happened before, was just a one time deal and God can't be bothered to do it again. If you're not a believer in the New Testament, then no problem. What I just said is actually a valid excuse: a one-time thing I did for some very special people.

The real big problem arises in the New Testament. John 1:18 says:

No man hath seen God at any time: the only begotten Son who is in the bosom of the Father, he hath declared him.

Yep. That's a pretty glaring problem. John was apparently ignorant of Exodus (and previous examples of God appearing personally prior to it). If you ask me, John is the worst of the Gospels, having been written far removed in time from the events it's describing. If I were Pope, I'd get rid of it. So what exactly does it mean that he said that? Does it mean that John is a lie or that Exodus is a lie? Obviously, both, but what do you believe as a believer when confronted with that? If “very little” is your answer, you're all right in my book³⁾.

Before I went to school and had to read the bible, I was under the impression that Jesus died, burst forth from his tomb, and then immediately went to heaven. This is not the case. Instead, we have some really odd things happening with Jesus just wandering the earth for awhile. Weirdly, Mark in particular doesn't seem much interested in these happenings…

After the Apostles were bummed out by Jesus getting crucified and then finding his tomb robbed, they moped around a bit, according to Luke 24:

(13) And behold, two of them went, the same day, to a town which was sixty furlongs from Jerusalem, named Emmaus. (14) And they talked together of all these things which had happened. (15) And it came to pass, that while they talked and reasoned with themselves, Jesus himself also drawing near, went with them. (16) But their eyes were held, that they should not know him.

John 20 (about Mary Magdalene):

(14) When she had thus said, she turned herself back, and saw Jesus standing; and she knew not that it was Jesus. (15) Jesus saith to her: Woman, why weepest thou? whom seekest thou? She, thinking it was the gardener, saith to him: Sir, if thou hast taken him hence, tell me where thou hast laid him, and I will take him away.

Why don't people recognize him? I heard a really lame excuse like “he was in disguise so the Romans wouldn't find him and crucify him again.” Well, that's great and all, but aren't we talking about God here? Couldn't he just make himself unrecognizable to them, but recognizable to his friends? The big question that no one ever wants to ask is do you think maybe this was just some other guy?.

Again my ignorance got me on this one too. It turns out that a whole lot of Christianity has nothing to do with anything Jesus had to say. We can safely assume that Jesus was probably a person who existed. He probably did have some things to say, a few of which were probably recorded accurately at least in the synoptic Gospels. Again, we can safely throw the Gospel of John right into the trash. Far worse than even John are the letters from St. Paul. Who the hell is this guy, anyway? The book of Acts tells us that Paul never met Jesus. He never spoke to him. Oh, he had visions of Jesus, but I see guys on street corners every day having very vivid visions of Jesus too…